I’m Overwhelmed: Working on Closing the Gap.

Here’s the part I don’t like admitting: I lose the present moment almost instantly. I stop noticing the good parts of my week because I’m so locked into survival mode.

Closing the gap.

My week doesn’t start on Monday. It starts on Wednesday. Ends usually on Sunday night.

Monday and Tuesday are my “weekend,” but it doesn’t really feel like rest. It feels like a two-day scramble to catch my breath before the cycle starts all over again.

By the time Wednesday hits, I’m already bracing for the weight of it.

And here’s the part I don’t like admitting: I lose the present moment almost instantly. I stop noticing the good parts of my week because I’m so locked into survival mode. I’m counting the hours until I can get back home to my family, to Maddie running around saying “beep boop beep boop bop,” to just existing without the pressure.

But then when the week ends, I’m not as relieved as I thought I’d be. I’m just tired. That gap between the hope of my “Friday” (Sunday) and the reality of Sunday is where my mental health has been getting chipped away.

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The weight of being away.

Being away from my family during the week is heavy. I worry about missing the little things that matter. Maddie saying something new. Bree having a rough day I could have been there for. Even just the silly rituals we have together.

I hate the feeling that the best parts of my life are happening while I am somewhere else, running myself down for a paycheck.

I also overthink every ache, every pain.

Is this my stomach acting up again?

Are my swollen glands something worse?

Did I screw something up on the car that is going to strand me on the road?

The spiral is always ready to jump in when I am already stressed. That is the neurodivergent brain for you. It does not just whisper, it fires off in every possible direction at the exact same time.

Why I have been quiet.

That is why I have not been posting much. Not because I do not care. But because the honest answer would have been: I am overwhelmed. And I did not want to sound like I was complaining. But bottling it up has not helped either.

These are the thoughts I usually bury or blur.

The ones that show up late at night when the house is quiet, or in the middle of the day when I am zoning out. The ones I tell myself are too messy or too personal to put out there. But maybe this is what my work should be.

Not the polished version of my thoughts, but the unfiltered ones. The exact monologue running through my head, even if it is raw.

Practicing more of what I preach, because I know it works for me as it has before.

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The plan forward.

So here is where I am at: I want to bring these thoughts into the center of what I share.

The things I would normally shove down might actually be the most useful.

To me, and maybe to someone else reading. I want to practice showing up in the middle of the mess, not just after I have tied it into a neat bow.

I do not have an answer yet. I am not fixed. But I am here. And I want to keep showing up honestly, even if it is uncomfortable.

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