Love The Journey: Holding Patterns.
I often tell myself I am in a holding pattern. I’m not sure if it’s helpful, or overly hopeful, but I will say one thing: it’s helped me put this all into perspective.
I have spent most of my life hanging up the phone before the conversation gets good. What I mean by that is, I would self-sabotage until the opportunities I dreamed of stayed stuck as just that: dreams.
If it was something new, like an audition or a job—you name it—I would sabotage until I reached the point of no return with that opportunity.
Self-sabotage was, in a weird way, soothing. I was able to control the situation, even if the result left me feeling more out of control in the end. But I didn’t care; all I cared about was comfort in the moment.
I wasn’t thinking about the future.
I wasn’t considering the opportunities that might come once I got through the hard parts.
Gaining Perspective Through Experience
But then I have to stop before I get too down on myself, and remember that these experiences have taught me to be even more resilient as an adult.
Something changed in me when my daughter was born. I realized that when people say it’s “about the journey not the destination” BOY do they mean it, no matter how much I cringe when hearing people say it.
As an adult, I don’t self-sabotage (as much) like I used to.
Sure, fighting daily with my executive function is difficult, but I am now more aware that my decisions affect more than just me. My wife and my daughter rely on me, my friends rely on me, my business partner relies on me; that has become the driving force for why I wake up each day, take chances, and push myself forward.
Celebrating Unexpected Achievements
I would never in a million years think I would be a pitch person, let alone returning to a full-time job and still managing to work on the podcast—and even pass 1,000 subscribers on YouTube. (That’s something I had been dreaming of and trying to do since I was 14!)
I constantly remind myself how much can happen in just five short years. I was at the end of my rope in 2020. Even before the pandemic in 2019 I pretty much signed off and just let what was happening to me happen, instead of taking the driver’s seat and making my own decisions. I let the comfort of others overtake my own sanity, and that is never a healthy place to be.
But now? Everything has changed. That younger version of me who was self-sabotaging would never believe it. I probably wouldn’t think I deserved happiness in general, so seeing where I am now would most certainly put me into some sort of shock.
Reflecting on Growth
I like to think that younger me is proud. Grown-up me sure is.
Once I started to understand who I was and what my place in this journey was, it has allowed me the freedom to care for others in every facet of my life (without draining myself by doing so.)
It is not easy, and it is a constant daily battle with myself over wether or not I am doing the right thing. Not just for myself, but for my entire circle.
If you find yourself in a similar spot as I have, please let me know in the comments and reach out for support.
We are all here on this giant rock floating through space and time together, and if we don’t communicate, we risk losing the very thing we are designed to do: love the journey.
I often opine that
“If you sleep on it, a way forwards will come”.
Or as Meatloaf once said.
“Let me sleep on it, I’ll give you an answer in the morning”.
Our brains are wonderful things, they help us with the journey we’re on.
Sometimes though.
“It’s a hard days night… before you feel alright.”
And sometimes…
“Today is first day of tomorrow” (until I know better I think that’s a Mark Williams original 😂).
Using your judgement to do the right things, at the right time is the key?
Cheers.
Love that I was able to sing parts of this comment 😁. Solid points, too! 🎯