The Silent Room

I find it so incredibly interesting how beautiful the silence that follows a catastrophic life changing event truly is.

Nothing scared me more than to imagine having to sit in the dust of my failures.

But now standing on the other side of it, I am having trouble imagining life without this gift of silence.

Given the amount of times I've told the story that started the current journey I'm on at this point, I'll just say check out previous entries for the details.

But its been 3 years since my life drastically changed having gone trough a rough break up, changed living situations, quit a toxic job, and was still dealing with the depression that followed me leaving the military all at once.

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Everything I had built in my adult life crumbled right before me.

Up until that point there was so much noise, whether it was the meetings, the arguments, the phone calls, you name it there was always something occupying space in my mind. If I had to point to what lead to the collapse I would point to the noise I gave priority to over my inner peace.

In fact, I would say I didnt know peace until the collapse. The noise was all I knew. I had a noisy childhood, noisy adolescence and even noiser early adulthood.

Eventually there was no more space for new noise and everything just stopped in one final implosion.

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And just like that there was no more input.

There was no one to take care of, no one to take care of me, no one to report to. Just the loudest silence I'd ever experienced.

Initially it was terrifying.

I had worked so hard to avoid this and now I was sitting in it. Fortunately I didnt have to process this alone. Therapy was a large player for me in this situation.

And over the course of the last 3 years I have fallen in love with the silence.

Of course I have been rebuilding throughout this time, but away from everything I used to have.

I deleted my personal social media accounts when all of this took place and really enjoyed being away from the world in that way. With the launch of WTN I have been able to both maintain and develop longterm friendships without the need of personal social media accounts.

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Like anything, I understand this silence is a stage.

I know that staying here for longer than what is necessary can also be harmful for me. Isolation moves in quickly and if it wasnt for me still being in therapy it could have gone a differnet direction.

So I know that at some point this stage will have to change, but I have learned to better maintain that inner peace.

I know that when things get too loud I can enter this space without fear, because this space is just another room in the home that is my mind.

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